I’ve been wrecked. Twice. The second wrecking was a result of the first. Both involve loss, yet I now consider the second loss as gain. This is my story of having been wrecked.
My twelve-year-old son, Andrew, passed from this life to the next in 2009. Before then, I thought I had learned who God is and what to expect from Him. Before our world was rocked by the diagnosis of Stage 4 brain cancer and Andrew’s death, I thought I had some answers.
Afterwards, I found I only had one—and the one has proved to be enough for me.
However when I was faced with the very opposite outcome of what our family had hoped and prayed, I felt greatly disappointed.
Disappointed with God? Yes. I remember receiving an email from an acquaintance who had prayed for our son. She seemed to have many questions of her own and wrote, “…but God does not disappoint.”
I remember thinking, You feel that way because it was not your child who suffered and died. I wrote back to her, “I feel very disappointed.”
Months later I received a copy of Philip Yancey’s book, Disappointment with God. I dove head and heart first into the text. Yancey dealt with the questions that few people voice aloud:
- Is God unfair?
- Is God silent?
- Is God hidden?
These questions were the very painful crux of what I shared with many others who had also faced hurricane level storms in their personal lives. Yancey writes, “True atheists do not, I presume, feel disappointed in God. They expect nothing and receive nothing. But those who commit their lives to God, no matter what, instinctively expect something in return.”
As the overwhelming heaviness of living without Andrew lifted enough for me to venture outside my door, I hit the pavement in my neighborhood.
Each evening, I laced up my running shoes and ran in the dark. Weaving up and down, I always avoided one particular spot. There were too many painful images associated with the top of our street. Andrew had spent hours playing outside with his friends who lived just a few houses up from ours.
Those evenings under the inky sky, I put my heart on the line with God: “I don’t understand you. You are not who I thought You were. I’m mad, sad, hurt and confused but I’m not leaving you.”
Painful emotions and questions welled up within me:
- “Losing my son is unfair.”
- “God, why can’t I hear from You?”
- “Where are You in this?”
Night after night I ran. Night after night I scanned the indigo sky. I showed up before God in running clothes and damp hair from the sweat that dripped while running in Florida’s humidity.
Often as I ran, there was still a bit of sunset. Brilliant corals, azure blue and peacock purple decorated the western edge of sky. I talked to God and I talked to Andrew. But it was always a one-sided conversation.
Until one night.
Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost for His Highest,
It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something.
One night I was almost at the end of my run and was nearing home. It had been months since I had offered God my praise.
But that night a passage from the words of Jesus Christ to His “doubting disciple” welled up in my heart, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29 NIV). In response I slowed my pace and lifted one hand…and then the other. Both hands upraised, I stopped in my tracks.
God was no longer silent. No longer hidden.
Before the trial…before the “cloud,” I thought I had learned who God was. In the dark cover of night, I was unlearning. My hands lifted to the sky and my tears intermingled with sweat.
I whispered to God, “I was right. You are not who I thought You were. You are more.”
About the author: Melanie Dorsey is an inspirational speaker and writer with the heart of a teacher. You can follow her on her blog.
This is such a great post! I’m dealing with a tough situation right now, nothing like you dealt with in your
earthy separation from Andrew. These words touched me. I am doing some unlearning of my own.
I am blessed to know Melanie, and I vividly remember the pain and questions as a result of losing Andrew. Melanie has taught me so much about faith than endures, and I am proud to call her friend. I look forward to meeting Andrew in heaven.
Oh, Melanie! It’s so good to see you here! Love you and love your heart! Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. It blessed me.
Beautiful story. People like you, who have endured unimaginable loss, are the ones who inspire me the most. When you can unlearn something about God after such a devastating loss, there is enormous hope for all of us. Thank you for the reminder (and the tears.)
Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Powerful and true.
As a Mama I am in tears… of your loss & heartbreak (although a HUGE celebration awaits!) & of joy… that you have come to KNOW Him…really know Him…at such a deeper level.
Thx for being Brave… & honest.
Much Lovins!!! Lee
You bless our hearts with your written words, Melanie. And you inspire our lives with your faith in God even through the greatest pain a parent could face. I’m proud of you for keeping on as you look forward to the day when your faith becomes sight and you’re reunited with your boy, Andrew. Randy and I loved him too, and we look forward to that day as well.
Amazing story, which touches the heart of all believers if we are honest. So well written, I want to read more! Thanks for sharing.
Beautifully written, beautifully lived. Thank you for your words, which give all of us hope of knowing God in even the most desolate circumstances.
Melanie, you have suffered much and I can only imagine how great the reward for your loss and suffering will be. Thank you for reminding me that praise is the key that unlocks the door to hearing His voice. You are certainly a great inspiration to many. Much love and blessings.
This was so beautiful, Melanie. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts are the same right now. Where is God in my life? Does He really care about my trivial problems? Why am I not hearing Him?
I guess I need to praise Him more and complain less.
Thank you, Jeff Goins, for the opportunity to share my “wrecked” story in this format.
Thank you, readers and friends, for your kind and encouraging comments.
http://www.melaniedorsey.com
You know I love your honest heart and all the ways you’ve moved into God’s “more” during this very painful and honest transition. I consider it a privilege to call you friend.
peace~elaine
Melanie, I love it. I am constantly trying to teach our people to unlearn what they have been taught. The message of the Gospel is not, come to Jesus and you get everything you want. The message of the Gospel is come to Jesus and He is more than enough no matter what. You, Danny, and your children are living this truth. Thanks again for being willing to share your heart.
Beautifully written, Melanie. There is NOTHING like the moment when God speaks, when He pierces your heart with His heart. You communicated that which words cannot describe.
Melanie, I am always blessed by your writing/heart and definitely blessed to have you as my dear friend. Thanks for being you, God’s servant.
Melanie, you inspire me every day. Your strength and grace have opened up the face of God for me in new ways too. Thank you for bravely telling a piece of your story here. Love to you.
So powerful. Thank-you for sharing this.
You are such an amazing inspiration to me. I am in the situation like you. We lost our second son unexpectedly two weeks ago at the age of 32. This is bad enough as it is but our oldest son is fighting cancer at the age of 37. Even tho they are grown children the pain and lost is unimaginable. I remember reading your post last yr or so and thinking how could she deal with such pain and still have such faith In the Lord. Then this happened to me. I have decided that I don’t have a choice. Either I give up on the only one I have ever trusted totally in my life or I keep on step by step walking towards the goal of the upper call of Christ Jesus.. Its a race I know but sometimes with situations like this I slow way down ..some times stopping and just yelling up towards the heavens and asking God WHY… with all of that and some situations I can not go into here now I know why… on one hand knowing why but that does not take the pain away. I guess it takes time and trying to be here for my family that keeps me going. Love you and please keep writing these amazing stories.. I read them just when I need them the most ..
Cherie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. You are walking a very difficult road of grief and also the sorrow you are experiencing with the diagnosis of cancer in your oldest son. I saw the picture you have posted on fb of your 3 boys. I looked into the eyes of each one and lingered for a minute. I prayed for you. The think I can tell you that was of some help to me is that I knew I was not alone in my grief and loss. Other mothers who had lost children reached out to me and just knowing that there was another mom who knew how I felt helped in a small way even if it was just to help me remember to breathe.
I will not stop writing or speaking about the goodness of God. No matter what happens this side of eternity, it is temporary and cannot be compared with the glory we shall experience on the other side.
My best…my love…to you.
Cherie… you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers this day. May the God of all comfort and grace bring you all a rich measure of his peace this day. Lean into his love and linger in the knowledge that you are not forgotten.
Standing with you, sister.
~elaine
What a powerful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you all for this ..it does help knowing that there are some who understand a mothers heart when she loses a child. I appreciate all the prayers we can get, it, I can actually feel strength knowing women as you are praying for me. I came home today from work at my lunch break and God gave me a little nugget, a new picture of my son and his wife around valentines day. I had not seen these before and there they were. As big as life my sons face appeared on my computer screen and looking into his blues eyes I knew it gonna be alright. It was like God used his eyes, which I could always tell how he felt by looking into his eyes, to speck right directly to my heart. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound…
Melanie…you have me in tears like the day we walked to the beach together last November. I love how you share. You are one of the most real writers/speakers I am blessed to know. Love you and Andrew. Keep speaking and writing of God’s greatness. Your little skateboarder must be so proud of his Momma as you let your King use his life through you. xo
Thanks for your support, Lelia. I appreciate it very much.